Classifieds

 Vintage Croquet Death-Trap Home-Wrecker Set – $975   

Disclaimer: I’m not so much “Selling” as “Ridding” myself of this family curse. See photo and parts description below. (You’ll want to retain this as evidence when you’re summoned as a material witness).

Description: The Croquet Caddy pictured represents the low-water-mark in Post-Modern Design. Originally molded by a first-year “Opportunity Zone” community-college Manufacturing Tech drop-out, this over-engineered abomination has all the structural integrity of a Vacation Bible School Noah’s Ark constructed with toothpicks, marshmallows, and guilt. 

Unable to get a union job and psychologically unfit for military service, it’s clear that the designer of this manufacturing miscarriage was driven by one all-consuming desire – REVENGE. The result is a deceptively malicious amalgam architected to entice unsuspecting buyers by combining an aesthetically pleasing ensemble of wood, metal, steel, and Elmer’s glue - all fashioned into a unique, yet criminally-fragile, industrial artifact guaranteed to fail.

The precision of his grotesque catastrophe is evidenced by his commitment to detail. For example, the width of the horizontal ball holder bar at the base has been bored to within 1 micrometer of the width of each croquet ball – guaranteeing that the simple act of lifting the apparatus in the presence of gravity will result in product failure, as all 6 spheres explode from their mooring and are shot pinballing down the driveway and into oncoming traffic.

And then there’s the wickets – a perpetually twisted rats-nest of generational rage. Unable to afford stout commercial-grade materials due to the ongoing “War” (pick one), he instead chose “coat-hanger-wire” - pipe-cleaners embarrassing cousin - and the flimsiest known chemical composite that still retains the properties of a solid (when stored between 62 and 63 degrees Fahrenheit), and instead of the regulation number of 12 wickets required for international play - he included 7.

The 6 hand-hewn mallets complete this tragedy of incompetence and come with a lifetime supply of both slivers AND splinters. Milled from the finest cork, these javelins of disappointment have been sized for Hobbits, and maliciously threaded to withstand a single use, at which point they become stripped and are reduced to a spinning head atop a bonfire-ready stake.

And speaking of stakes, this final insult comes complete with the cascading anticipation of a tumultuous journey, as the bottom portion of the shiv has been planed into a blunt, pancake-flat, head – incapable of piercing any soil by simply applying body-weight – and thus guaranteeing the rapid escalation towards a more torque-requiring maneuver, leveraging the now-compromised mallet as a force-multiplier, with players one-by-one attempting to “pile-drive” the flat-faced post into the unwelcoming turf. Statistically, the first two whacks will miss the target, injuring both thumb and big toe, before stepping back and going full Paul Bunyan on that little striped Satan stick.

To the surprise of no one, the wheels of the Caddy don’t go “Round and Round” but instead remain permanently pitched at a 49-degree angle, assuring a grating, ear-piercing “auditory hellscape assault” as the mutant apparatus is dragged across the driveway pavement - the white-scape jackhammer divot a permanent reminder of the unfolding violence to come.

Any inclusion or reference to a “Book of Rules” is notably absent from this set, as “felonious arguing” is as much a part of croquet as the game itself. Selecting a ball? Argument. Deciding who goes first? Argument. One stroke or two after clearing the initial wickets? Argument. Slow pace of play? Armed combat (by now perpetrated with headless mallets and shiv-stakes as weaponry). Use of a stinger? Possible homicide. “Sending” your spouse? See below.

While the listing for this tragedy of workmanship is $975, the all-in cost (of what can only be described as “manufacturing malpractice”) can be deceiving, as the price does not include traumatic brain injury, trash-talk rehabilitation, grief counseling, or the all-but-guaranteed divorce proceedings, including a protracted probate settlement attorney, plus court costs, incidentals, per diem, and some kind of Sin Tax.

Comes with notarized liability waiver signable upon purchase. No warranties or guarantees - stated or implied – for this misshapen “Island of Misfit Toys” reject. NO RETURNS and NO TAKEBACKS under statutory “You break it – you buy it” common law. Back-porch pick-up only.

condition: salvage

make / manufacturer: Satan

model name / number: Eternal Damnation